~~ heavy heart ~~

I have concerns on my future.. on what I am going to do..

Crazy ideas flood into my mind...

- become a teacher in Japan (my favourite country)

- become a teacher in a private school

-work in a cruise ship

- work in an International Organization..

Why?

Maybe I just want to see the world. I still behave like a kid.

Maybe I just want to grow up.

Maybe I just want to leave this place.

Lately, I do not have time to think of these.

Work, is a part of it.

But, the most contributing factor is ----

If I am going to leave, what will happen to my kids in CG?

I know.....

I am here now for such a time as their close mama.... for a reason .. for a divine purpose...

And I am going into your lives. Because I will not be here for a long time. Time is short.. too short.......

Hey kids,

It is time to make a choice - a choice that is going to change your whole life. It is about you and God.

To love and forgive as I love and forgive you

Second part ~ following Resentment...

During the period of home-quarantine, a friend brought me some books. As I read, a lot of things came into my mind.

Some rebuked and some encouraged me.

Rebuke ~
I have this hidden doctrine buried in my coffin. It is called “the pay back” doctrine. It means “I will pay back thrice of what you did to me”.
I know that I can be vengeful and dangerous if I am not careful.
Since the day I become a Christian, I do not practice “the pay back” doctrine outwardly. However, I did think about it. The Bible says, even if I think of doing things that God forbid, I am actually sinning against God.
Therefore I am not totally out of “the pay back” doctrine.

God spoke.
It struck me.
I thought about it.
Fear overwhelmed me.

“What if God practise “the pay back” doctrine?”
Answer: I am dead. Since long time ago... ...

There is a passage in the bible about a master who forgave a servant who could not afford to pay his debt owed to the master. It was a big sum of money, yet out of compassion, the debt was written off by the master. However, this servant did not show compassion to another person (a servant too) who owed him some money. Instead of having compassion towards this person, the wicked servant threw him into prison for failing to pay the owed money. Soon, the master knew about this matter. The master was furious and the master decided to take back what he belonged to.... i.e. the money that this wicked servant owed the master. Since he failed to pay, the wicked servant was ------ (you can guess the ending or perhaps, you can flip your bible and look for the passage)

This passage struck me – hard!
Am I the wicked servant?

God loves the world.
God loves everyone.
God loves me.
But God loves you too.

Then, how can I not show compassion and love towards you when I receive the same from the Master who give me what I do not deserve in the first place? The Forgiveness.
What He has given me, He gives you too.......

Resentment

I do hold resentment.

When I first stepped into the University, people looked down on me... because I came from Matriculation College. They looked down and to a certain stage... they made fun of me. When I first got my result in my 1st semester, I barely passed. There, the jokes worsen. Well, they merely got C+ while I got a C. Better? Of course, only barely, I will say. Not good enough, I must say.

A part of me, I wanted to tell them: Stop making fun of us. We worked hard in our own ways. We need to bear with the treatments as a minority in the College. Of course, I was so blessed that my lecturers and friends of other religions loved and cared for me. But, would my University friends know I once fell down and forced to bow down on the fate of being a Chinese? Friends in the College were asked, whether they would want to succumb under a Chinese when I am just of the minority group? God, He was my helper then. He helped me, to go through the moments. I made my way into the College and out the College. God used me tremendously in the College. Therefore, I never regretted the fact that I came from Matriculation College. I had good friends and lecturers. God knew my financial situations. I could never have the money to go for tuition classes should I take STPM. Perhaps, I would be a great burden to my family. God knows.
In the University, God blessed me all along. My prayer was: God, You bring me here, You shall bring me out. When I was 17, You said: Let your light shine before men that all men will see Christ through you. Please let it come to past.

Resentment became one of the motivations to work hard and pray hard.

Throughout the years in the University, my grades improved. I represented the University. I was a former Law Soc Committee.

Price to pay?
Those who cared and supported me, become my best friends.

Those who looked down, no words were said. Gradually, we become Hi-Bye friends.

There were a few, that I tried to be close with, but somehow, they just avoided. I could not care-less. Relationship-building is a choice of two persons. I gave up then.

There are some who pretended to forget what happened in the past. They tried to start with a clean-slate, sorry for I smelled mala-fide, therefore I shall shun away. It is my choice.

~~ My thought on 30 august 2009 when I am home-quarantined from 28 to 30th august 2009~~

LG: Life is Good

At times, it is easy to ask : How are you?

But do we really care for an answer?

No longer will I think deeper for a reply to "How are you?".

Not looking deeper to search into my heart to truthfully reply to the question.

Almost immediately, I will say: "Life is good" without much thinking.

I feel, even if someone asks "How are you", he or she may not even ask to get a reply. It's all out of courtesy.

It is a question not meant to be answered.

Am wondering about...

I am still looking for God's will in my chambering .. and even in my career.

God,

You called me to the profession.

I am now graduated but I am lost.

I am wondering and looking for You. But I cannot see You.

Honestly, I feel insecure. I feel that I will not have victory without You in where I am heading on and what I am doing.

I need You.

Let me find You.